The Best Breakup Advice I Ever Received

Within days of my breakup last December, I was on Google.

“how to get over someone”

The amount of articles that have been written on the art of getting over someone, moving on from a past lover, and coping with a breakup, were ENDLESS.

It overwhelmed me.

I was told to take “time for myself”

I was told to “get under someone else”

I was told to start exercising — as if that wasn’t my life coping mechanism already, UGH

I was told to take time out

I was told to sit with my feelings

I was told to distract myself

The articles about how to get over someone and cope with a breakup were conflicting on so many levels.

I did the only thing I knew to do…

I trained. Hard.

Thankfully for me, the breakup happened in December and I had an almighty beast of an ultra-relay to train for (The Speed Project, if you’re wondering) in the coming Spring. The training exhausted me to such an extent that I lost my period (not good), but it also exhausted me to a point that showed me how much grit I had within me (very good).

But was all this training actually helping me get over the breakup?

No, not really.

I missed what I had lost, terribly.

Months passed by, and I was still crying about the breakup at least several times a week. I was still reminiscing on the happier times and I was still struggling to see a future where my ex didn’t feature.

Staying single clearly “wasn’t working” so I took to Hinge as a last ditch attempt. Strategy: distraction.

And guess what… it worked! Mostly. Just not completely. I was very very lucky to have matched with the most wonderful man upon returning from my ultra-adventuring and together we had a very nice summer. Neither of us being overly committed to anything, but a nice experience all the same.

About 2 months into dating this man, I was chatting to a lady at Run Talk Run, and I was telling her about how I needed to stop dating said man… because I was still thinking about my ex. Not frequently, and not in a romantic way, and not in a pining way… but in a “holy fuck what have I lost” kind of way.

The lady I was running with absolutely stunned me with what she said next.

“Look Jess — you might never get over him”

WHAT.

All this time I had been trying every trick to get over my ex, and yet here I was being told that I might never achieve that.

Ever.

She carried on…

“that man meant something to you, Jess. The experiences you shared hold value to you, they are a part of where you are today. You might never stop missing what you had. Its ok that you think about him every so often, and its ok to miss him, but you have to carry on”

I felt like someone had just taken something HEAVY off my shoulders. I had been carrying around this shame and this guilt for the way I was feeling. I was dating a man knowing full well that another man had crossed my mind on several occasions… and yet, this was okay! And apparently, very very common.

Why do I believe this to be the best breakup advice I ever received?

To hear that I may never get over him, encouraged me to stop dedicating so much time to trying to get over him.

And ironically, diverting my mental energy away from thinking about how I might move on, allowed me to invest my energy in other things. Like Run Talk Run. Like the man I was dating. Like my friends. Basically, everything that was actually going to help move me further away from the thoughts of my ex.

It allowed me to stop feeling so damn guilty for not getting over the breakup sooner.

Apparently it was ok to be thinking about him?! Who knew! I never even considered that what I was thinking was to be expected, to be normal, or healthy. I think we tend to keep things like “rumination” entirely to ourselves because, often, we carry a certain degree of shame for thinking about the past too much. I wonder if we actually knew how much time we ALL spent on ruminating here and there we’d feel less shitty about it.

It allowed me to appreciate what a wonderful deep-feeling-sensitive soul I am and embrace that shit.

The reason I still thought about my ex with fondness and a pang of loss is because I am a sensitive motherfucker, and that is one of the most brilliant things about me. Ha, I said it. Without my sensitivity we wouldn’t have the journey of Run Talk Run. Without my sensitivity, I wouldn’t be such an empathetic pair of ears to my pals.

So, my words of wisdom to anyone going through a breakup.

You might never get over him. (or her).

And that’s ok. We carry on anyway.